If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
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People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Why aren’t auto body shops called…
“Fender Bender Menders??.”
And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.
And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
lol
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines