Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.

Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…

I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao

genie: hello-

me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade

How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?

What I say: It’s time to get dressed.

What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.

You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.

4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?

Me: Yeah, in a minute

4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer

I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?

Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat

“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”

Realize this:

On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.

Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?

Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”

The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?

Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.

Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?

Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.

Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.

Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith

[guy about to invent monopoly]

*looking at friends* i have too many of these

I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool

I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”

WAITER: Ready to order?

GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!

W: We cannot

GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH

W: Again no

Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.

humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out

TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit

rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born

barista: *under breath* shit

Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing