Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

WAITER: is everything ok?

ME: could I get a spoon or something

tomorrow isn’t promised, so punch that person in the face today.

Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”

FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swear

ME: is it your liver & kidneys?

i bet it’s your liver & kidneys

Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?

Me: Rough sex

Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop

Me: Talk to your nurse about that

“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”

Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.

I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!

I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.

Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe

me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht

salesman: cap size?

me: i hope not

my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off

I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.

I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.

I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14

Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?

Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.

When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.

groan^2

*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?

My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.

This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.

For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons

Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone

I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.

Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego

…and send

Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit

Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.

You: I got a headache.

WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.

*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in