Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SON: Why did mommy leave?

ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?

SON: Yeah

ME: She said that shit was fake yo

Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?

Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?

Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.

Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.

Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.

Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.

Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.

Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.

I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.

9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?

Me: To show God we have our act together.

9: But he knows we’re lying.

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.

What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.

Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?

The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”

excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces

My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways

You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse

i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head

After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.

Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table

Murderer: ok thanks

[my kids walk in on me being murdered]

ME: call 911

KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?

pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic

pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now

79.

I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.

Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.

Guns don’t kill people

People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people

My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.

Laziness level: expert.

ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know

I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.