If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
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people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
✌🏽
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Baller is short for ballerina
Still cracks me up
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.