Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close

I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.

Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.

[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]

Beavers: Booooo!

[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen

Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.

Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.

“We will wed,” I threatened

Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths

*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*

Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11

Me: Do you like my novel?

Publisher: it’s a tree

Me: I told you it was in the early stages

*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”

I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.

You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂

[at church]

ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft

HER: omg put your pants back on

A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.

so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.

okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.

“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”

“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef

I could totally take Beethoven in a fight even if he wasn’t dead.

Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.

The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor

“What’s the worst that can happen?”

Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list

My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.

I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.

I was young. It was a different time.

Not even remotely sorry.

When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.

Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling