Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Terminator: I need your clothes

Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull

The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work

Me: *holding up a leg* PULL

My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.

My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time

Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.

If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.

Saying it, is just words.

I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.

And they are appalled.

That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth

My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.

As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.

Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”

Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro

“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”

Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview

Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.

One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.

What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?

A gas station.

colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe

also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund

Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach

I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…

If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.

Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.

Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake

ME: alexa, make it quieter

*music gets way too quiet*

ME: alexa, make it louder

*music gets super loud*

ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter

ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?

ME: jesus christ

ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts

Going to a wedding today:

Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.

Clearly I have work to do with the little one.

a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class

“Can you cook dinner tonight?”

Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light

ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.

CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.

If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.

[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]

6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?

Me: You have the flu.

6: I’m sick, not dead.