If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
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Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
May your day taste like creamy soup.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*