If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
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Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
I…do not understand how electricity works.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…