If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
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Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
The days of good grammer has went
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night