If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
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Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired