Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[right after sex]

Me: so that was uhh-

The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!

me: I’m not the stepfather, I’m the father that stepped up

wife: they’re your biological children and you don’t have to say that every time you climb a flight if stairs

A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.

ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high

CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk

ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af

CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!

Somebody call the cops.

At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.

Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winks

Him:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid

“get a life”? have you seen some of the lives out there?

Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING

this is the best interaction on twitter

[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sex

fibonacci: absolutely not

I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you

[commercial for IKEA]

Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?

If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.

the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out

*7 talking to my father*

7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?

Her: We’re having twins!

Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!

Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”

[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]

COP 1: give us a name

ME: big bird

COP 2: a real name

ME: millard fillmore

COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know

ME: nana

8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!

I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited

I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.

Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.

Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.

Body: Ten more minutes then.

“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine

People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!

mugger: how much you got

me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar

Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…