If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
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[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
“As an outsider, what’s your view on intelligence?”
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
If I ever die on some hill, rest assured, something fishy is going on.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.