If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
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How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
What the hell happened in there??
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
it really cannot be overstated how important it is to be thirty years younger than the guy you’re fighting
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
**shaking a magic 8-ball**
Me: Will my vision ever get better?
Coconut:
If I ever went to jail for murder it would be for murdering my printer.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.