Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.

[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do

How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?

CATHOLICS: 18

My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.

Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.

GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!

A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.

I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.

My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter

Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”

Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.

YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.

You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie

I always forget my reusable shopping bag when I go to buy some food. So I purposely put it in my bag this morning and forgot to go and buy the food

I just ran a .003048K

had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep

Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Jennifer? Most people love it.

me: I made a model of the himalayas

friend: did you build them to scale?

me: no, just to look at

friend: what

Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?

Her: [Completely ignores me]

Me: Knew it!

How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?

I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.

Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.

If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.

me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there

me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark

Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.

I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”

I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.

Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.

His name was Frank

We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off

– airlines airlining

Dating tip:

If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.