If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
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It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
If I ever went to jail for murder it would be for murdering my printer.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
😂🖐️
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
How do you milk an almond?
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
[20 minutes after it stops raining]
ME: *turns off windshield wipers*