If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
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Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
When Batman suddenly arrives and it’s just the shadow of him with glowing white eyes? That’s what I look like to the English muffins when I walk into the kitchen in the morning
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten
Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.