Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*offers Batman cough drops*

My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?

Me: And this is something that’s important to you?

He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.

Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low

Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.

Michelangelo: Why are you naked?

Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?

Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!

I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.

(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.

supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese

me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do

me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*

[20 minutes later]

me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us

If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.

HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.

ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.

ME: *puts my hair in a bun*

WAITER: gross

[texting with new girlfriend]

Her: What are you doing tonight?

Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp

Her: You’re adorable

A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress

If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.

So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:

6lb11oz!

Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.

well this is just bullshirt

me: it is lonely at the top.

therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’

You know how when you pack, you’re supposed to use your socks and underwear to take advantage of any small spaces left amid the pants and shoes and jackets and etc.? That’s my strategy with after-dinner snacks.

Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment

The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.

*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend

Her: Does that dog actually play chess?

Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.

*Dog Barks

Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.

[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down

Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’

Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’

My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.

“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”

I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of

I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.