If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
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Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!