Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here

living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.

Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.

I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person

I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix

love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing god save the quing

*watches movie*

*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*

*pauses for three months*

I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.

my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again

breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!

My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing

Ways to get ants out of your house:

1) Ant traps

2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow

3) Set house on fire

The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,

I’m not lazy

This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down

5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.

I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.

[job interview]

employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company

me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant

Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.

Leftover Pie:

Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible

life finds a way

You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.

My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?

Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.

Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.

I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.

To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”

Word of the Day: No

Please use it in a sentence: No.

I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.

You’d think a philharmonic orchestra would have at least one harmonica, but nope.

[Pulls away from kissing]

So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?