If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
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cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
this country is so goddamn polarized
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.