If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
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When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th
Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
the FOLD cycle on my clothes dryer isn’t working
whenever I look up and see a security camera, I like to imagine there’s a guy in some secret control room somewhere in europe who calls his boss on his little headset and says “we’ve got him, sir. he just entered the south hall at the chipotle on main street”