If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
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Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
“It’ll be dead soon. Nature abhors a vacuum.”
-commentsivehadafew
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
I need a long hot meteor shower
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!