If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
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it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
notice
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
I always tell my pets I love them more than the Atlantic so they can better understand the immensity.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
*gets stabbed at one of my fishing spots*
911 operator: i need your exact location
Me: nevermind
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.