If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
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A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card