If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
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I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
A service where you bring a working printer to my house, I print the one thing I need, and you leave again until next year
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
You can’t cancel our date I just put a new garbage bag over my broken car window
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.