If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
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[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England