Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.

(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law

I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco

Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.

If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”

“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?

Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?

3yo: no, I like playing with myself

Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…

Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”

[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they say

ME: That’s interesting

HOT GIRL: No it isn’t

me: *googling* am I dying

web md: nope just sad

me: oh good

web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh

me: that’s fair

web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent

me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again

if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.

I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.

*Husband playing computer game*

Me: I’m going to go pee.

Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.

Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.

Husband: OK. Enjoy.

I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.

My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains

Seems a bit forward

America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.

I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter

I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.

Tuah Kill a Hawkingbird

The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.

My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.

i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?

Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.

(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow

If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit

If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?

Karate and loose meat sandwiches.

Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.

All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing

If social media platforms were weddings:

FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception

IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback

Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk

[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]

“What are you supposed to be?”

ME: I’m not wearing a costume