If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
You Might Also Like
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
*uses Oujia board*
ＳＭＥＬＬＳ ＬＩＫＥ ＵＰＤＯＧ
me: what’s updog?
ＮＯＴ ＭＵＣＨ, ＤＯＧ, ＪＵＳＴ ＡＢＯＵＴ ＴＯ ＰＯＳＳＥＳＳ ＹＯＵＲ ＣＡＴ
me: what
cat: what
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*[cries for 20 minutes]
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
you’re either watching a movie with me or you’re watching a movie against me