Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime

Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-

Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women

Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right

That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…

Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.

Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.

Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?

Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?

Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”

I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah

When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.

*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.

I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…

17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.

If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.

I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.

My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me

As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat

My diet starts in January

of 2027

What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.

HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?

Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.

HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.

I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.

Him: “I feel-”

Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”

Him: “-gassy.”

There are probably millions of songs in existence.

radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?

I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.

Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.

my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep

Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”

Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.

The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol

*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*

[first day as undercover cop]

me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines

mobster: