If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
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My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
Guys which shade of gery should I get
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
if i gave birth in a barn and then a little boy came in and started playing the drums I would throw the baby at him
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”