If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
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Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
i love meeting boys on tinder
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.