If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
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Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Respect
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
The absolute effort that went into this omg
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
The saddest part of nuking my old account is losing a thread I live tweeted on a flight during which the couple next to me got in a fight over the guy wanting to wear shorts to a wedding. It was the only time I’ve paid for wifi on a plane bc it turned out the wedding was THEIRS.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)