If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
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If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one
The smoothest fall of all time
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
🍂🕷️🍂
Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Text messages from my mum read like they are from a hit man.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks