If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
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Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Me: [Making an alarmingly bad decision after making a lot of good choices for a while] treat yourself
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
necessity is the mother of invention
if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Nothing angers me more than tall ghosts in horror movies. No one born in 1782 was that tall. Do your research, screenwriters.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*