If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
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The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Me: Do you have a Summer menu?
Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.
Me:
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
Thanks, Facebook, for reminding me that on this very day back in 2012 I used a stick of butter to grease the 3 year old’s trapped legs from a bunk bed ladder.
Parenting is fun.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”