Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.

Spring is here!

I got so excited I wet my plants!

Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!

~ me, pleading with my hair

Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me

I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.

I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.

If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.

Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.

My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”

i want the dreams to chase me for once

Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.

Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.

This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.

I told you these spanx were too tight.

-my tombstone

scientist: what do u know about atoms

me: very little

6 year old: I saw a car today that was kind of cool but very ugly. Have you seen it?

me: yeah, I’ve seen it

isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.

Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.

Me: Because of all the sugar?

D: No, because of all the champagne.

“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”

-Oh really? Why?

“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”

Beep beep
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Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation

Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”

Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…

…it’s just me, taking the stairs

Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.

Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?

My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”

My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”

If my 56 y/o brain was in my 16 y/o body, my first order of business would be empowering myself. Then … fake ID.

Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.

Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them