If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
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Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”
Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Seeing ads for bras is so funny cause it’s like seeing an ad for a house. I’m only gonna buy one, maybe two in my life. Chill out
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
We gave my child a wallet with a single dollar bill to play with. She now has three dollars. I don’t know where the other two came from. Help.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Corporate Email: To add professionalism to all company correspondence, please make sure to add a photo to your profile.
Me: Okay.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.