If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
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2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
our neighborhoods continue to teem with violent migrant street gangs
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Favourite diary entry ever
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.