Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.

Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.

Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.

“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”

Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?

Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?

Friend: No.

Me: Then, no.

ME: What’s the capital of Germany?

SON: G

ME: So college is a no then?!

Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.

I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.

Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?

I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.

I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.

Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it

Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets

Shake what your momma gave ya!

*shakes old decorative wreath*

(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)

What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.

Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-

Romeo: LIFE

Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?

the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead

MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.

[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality

“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”

—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson

“How old are you?”

Things you say to your third child.

Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.

The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!

Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty

Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!

(Line goes dead)

Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.

[2am]

wife: where in the hell have you been

me: well the boys and i were at the club-

my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*

me: leonard my god no not right now

Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*

Spider:

Me:

Spider:

Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?

Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.

I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.

I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.

But hey, Karen got a puppy!