If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
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You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
How dramatic are you?
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that