Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.

My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign

I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents

Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.

Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.

Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.

and now we wait

Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.

Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.

Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.

If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.

Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.

How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat

Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.

… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that

I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.

No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.

Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.

3: Who’s that on your shirt?

Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.

3: I don’t like him.

Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.

No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.

Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.

game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]

therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?

me: *deep breath*

therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up

me: *slow exhale*

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.

Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.

Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium

Me: 0mg

Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh

I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.

If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question

[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath

Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist

I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”

Now we wait.

Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.