If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
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My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap