If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?

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Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single


A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.


I hate when a couple argues in public but I missed the start and don’t know whose side I’m on.


ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice

HER: do you mind?!

ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*


If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.


First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.


NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.


*interview for new roommate*

Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.


I don’t remember anything about being born, I must have been WASTED