@TheBoydP

If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?

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@kirstenmorry

Beware the Jubjub bird AND shun the frumious Bandersnatch? In this economy?!

@nyquills

God: you run really fast.

Horse: sweet.

God: people ride you in circles for sport.

Horse: kindof weird but ok

God: also don’t break a leg.

Horse: why?

God:

Horse: God? why?

@bmarked21

From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”

@ohen39

[job interview]

me: I guess my biggest weakness are questions

Interviewer: what do you mean?

Me: oh no

@HeyZeus666

I’ve been eating sunflower seeds and Tweeting for 9 hours. Now I know what my canary feels like.

@wendchymes

Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”

@MNateShyamalan

escape room employee: would you like a hint?

me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen

@OutOfLeftField_

Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?

Me: I think that’s a myth.

Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.

@Darlainky

*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.