Beware the Jubjub bird AND shun the frumious Bandersnatch? In this economy?!
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
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God: you run really fast.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: God? why?
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
me: I guess my biggest weakness are questions
Interviewer: what do you mean?
Me: oh no
I’ve been eating sunflower seeds and Tweeting for 9 hours. Now I know what my canary feels like.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.