If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
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’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving