If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?

You Might Also Like


Beware the Jubjub bird AND shun the frumious Bandersnatch? In this economy?!


God: you run really fast.

Horse: sweet.

God: people ride you in circles for sport.

Horse: kindof weird but ok

God: also don’t break a leg.

Horse: why?


Horse: God? why?


From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”


[job interview]

me: I guess my biggest weakness are questions

Interviewer: what do you mean?

Me: oh no


I’ve been eating sunflower seeds and Tweeting for 9 hours. Now I know what my canary feels like.


Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”


escape room employee: would you like a hint?

me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen


Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?

Me: I think that’s a myth.

Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.


*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.