If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
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me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Good morning
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Who says all the good chemistry jokes argon??
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
When life hands you women, make women laid.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.