If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
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Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
mice after a breakup be like “we are not on squeaking terms”
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
dorian gray goes on hot ones and he eats all the wings no problem but then when he gets home his portrait is really sweaty and begging for milk
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
I can’t 🤣🤣🤣
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises