If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
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It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
my daughter just announced to me her favorite subject is math & I’m totally aghast.
girl, there are not FIVE degrees in English literature between your parents for you to like math. please.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
every olympics i turn into this guy
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
🤣
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift