Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.

[Last day in prison]

*Walks up to the biggest guy*

Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.

[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much

Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.

Much healthy.

I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.

Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll

Are these fish:

A. A different species

B. The same species

C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related

Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!

Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*

*Takes drive down memory lane

*Gets a DUI

Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.

Their girlfriends however… not so much.

7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away

[city marathon]

ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?

RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS

ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?

If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.

Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.

13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.

HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.

[getting cremated]

Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.

‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’

new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge

If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.

It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.

There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.

Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.

Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.

Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?

If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”

I know that now.

I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My hands: holding anything messy.

My phone: *ring*

Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.

“can you explain this gap in your employment history”

yah i was a toddler

Saturday