Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.

Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.

I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.

Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.

I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?

just go to Settings → Privacy → Data → Do NOT Grind My Bones To Make Your Bread

make sure its switched to “on”

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.

Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?

My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”

Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.

WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you

a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip

China are probably making all the medals anyway.

There’s no “I” in angel.

But there is one in devil!

My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.

Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?

Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.

My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.

[Restaurant]

Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*

Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400

i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do

If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.

I only buy cookware with handles that somehow get hotter than the pan itself. This is the way.

Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?

Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.

Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.

Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.

Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?

Kid: What’s a phone book?

Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.

Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.

[father and son riding bikes together]

dad, how’d you get so good?

[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs