If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
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old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Thinking about switching my books to a freemium model. I could give away the basic version but charge extra for fun bonus features like plot, characters, and vowels.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Don’t come back here with your bullshit.
Me, coming back with my bullshit:
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
stand with me against insufficient seating
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
in today’s fast-paced world we simply don’t have time for CEOs to be visited by three Christmas ghosts
I’ve got two, maybe three, quests left in me, but only if someone carries my horse.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Why is my phone always out of memory, I grumble to myself as I sit here deleting 500 pictures of my kid’s big toe
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”