Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}

Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.

ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?

DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*

ME:

DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back

Martin Shkreli is in jail.

Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.

me: hey big boy

friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that

God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?

If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.

A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.

Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.

Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am

9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?

me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.

Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.

Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.

He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.

I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.

sitting eating at a picnic table in a park that shares a fence with the middle school yard and this lady comes out says “shouldn’t you be in class?” and i’m confused and just freeze and she goes “come on. to the office”

and i just go “…. i’m 20…” and she went RED😭😭😭

I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.

“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?

What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?

I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday

Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it

I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.

Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical

My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.

Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:

me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside

cop: does it look shady?

me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot

Wife: who are all these children?

Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids

Wife: I meant our kids

Me: yeah, that makes more sense

Much like an Olympic sprinter, I also load up on carbs, exert myself for roughly two minutes, and then quit for the rest of the day.

“How much to go into this haunted house?”

“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”

“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”