If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
You Might Also Like
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!