if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
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The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
saw this in a dream
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
This hospital has everything
Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice
I guess I live down here now
the ADHD urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever