Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

is nasa ok

*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.

sitting eating at a picnic table in a park that shares a fence with the middle school yard and this lady comes out says “shouldn’t you be in class?” and i’m confused and just freeze and she goes “come on. to the office”

and i just go “…. i’m 20…” and she went RED😭😭😭

If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.

ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house

Morning my dudes.

Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.

my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min

DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN

ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues

DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun

*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles

Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.

You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.

Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.

nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies

Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.

Tonight: softball

Tomorrow: Advil

Lord they down here giving us bills every month after you already paid the price

“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases

why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism

2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.

ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)

SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?

Person: how does writing work?

Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise

Person: then you’re done with the book?

Writer: then you move to the next sentence

Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?

Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?

F: ….

Bitcoin. Toothurt.

I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.

Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now

Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent

Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?

35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle

Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.

I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.