Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.

[texting mom]

u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky

My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.

“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”

Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35

Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”

“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate

I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014

“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”

my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders

I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.

Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver

Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud

My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.

I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”

[getting murdered]

Hang on, let me clear my browsing history

I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.

HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work

I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫

I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.

We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.

If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code

Horrifying if literal: foot locker

I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.

How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?

Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”

Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.

Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”

Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]

Possum: [pops up]

Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]

Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]

st pete:

me:

st pete:

me: was it my browser history?

st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY

I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.

Others: I run so I can eat pizza

Me: I just…eat pizza