Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool

“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart

shampoo implies shampee

God: let there be light!

vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

Thrilling chase underway

I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.

The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.

Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.

Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam

Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man

I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.

At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.

Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you

a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”

Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.

ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…

ME: Is it rich parents?

ARTICLE: … Yeah.

It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.

I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.

Husband: *driving*

Me: *breathing judgmentally*

Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap

someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really

Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*

5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.

Me: You grew. How is that my fault?

5: You fed me.

It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.

[speed dating]

Him: have you ever been married?

Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom

Him: lol aww you were 5?

Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30

What If When You Die They Ask You

“How Was Heaven?”

‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.

Friend: How are you doing?

Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.

5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?

Me: It does now.

I beg your pardon?

I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book