Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.

When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.

Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”

him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?

I ate everything, including the H.

Superman’s first day at the daily planet.

Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.

Clark: I have that, superhearing too.

I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1

My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea

Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone

Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..

“Him?”

No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!

there will never be a funnier headline than this one

Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.

By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.

Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is problematic

me: then maybe give me a different word

[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon

The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.

Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.

And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.

You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.

Haircuts should be covered by healthcare

If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.

Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.

Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it

My 6-year-old is looking at pictures of me when I was 18 and she keeps saying “You still look the same!” Might write her siblings out of the will and leave everything to her idk

Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.

I laughed at this way too hard.

ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*

CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?

ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month

“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?

Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.

I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.

Me: So that’s a no?