if you’re a brand marketer and your client says “we should do a popup!”, sometimes it’s okay for you to say “no we should not”
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Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Lmao 🤣
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)