if you’re a brand marketer and your client says “we should do a popup!”, sometimes it’s okay for you to say “no we should not”
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Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
You can get out of a TSA pat-down much faster if you keep whispering the word “slower” in the agent’s ear.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Best comet pics yet. 🤣 ☄️
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.