if you’re a brand marketer and your client says “we should do a popup!”, sometimes it’s okay for you to say “no we should not”
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ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Happy Thanksgiving
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?