If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
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How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
They also CAN sing✌️
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Go hard or stay average
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
