If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.
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My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Breaking: Nate Silver Predicts That If the Election Were Held Today, It Would Most Likely Be Due to Some Kind of Serious Administrative Error
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Mom says she’s watching a video about dating fossils.
I wonder if that’s how she met Dad?
my car accidentally drove to chick-fil-a again i hate when it does that
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Hey girl are you my taxes cause I just wanna spend all day and night trying to figure you out.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.