If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.
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I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
Guys, I found it.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?