Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout

I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.

After playing guitar all these years, I thought I’d give piano a try. But that’s not an easy instrument to pick up.

I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.

And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.

If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?

*texting with girls*

Her: I <3 you

Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3

I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.

Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!

When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.

If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.

[in bed]

her: u have done this before, right?

me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey

her: what?

me: what?

Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.

Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul

My therapist: no

“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….

No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.

BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?

Rock stars’ children have very strange names.

If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.

An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.

Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?

Me: No way, Charles Manson!

Him: But I just..

Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS

HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years

Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*

I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”

Fun fact:

Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.

*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months

Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.

This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.

I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’

Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds

*feels painful possible cavity*

*eats chocolate to feel better*

Me: Go to bed

4-year-old: But I have questions!

Me: You’re stalling

4: I need to know!

Me: What?

4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?

For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.

*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck

Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?

Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party

Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic