If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
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Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Lucky for them, they’re cute
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Blocking someone isn’t enough; I want them to step in water with their socks on.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Good morning
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
