Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.

Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner

Do you smoke after sex?

Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”

I never needed anything more in my life

Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.

[watching paint dry]

“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”

All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”

I always forget my reusable shopping bag when I go to buy some food. So I purposely put it in my bag this morning and forgot to go and buy the food

Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this

I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?

One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.

Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?

IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”

Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed

Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.

Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.

6 month old baby: ……..

To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.

Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?

Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.

Tween: Nevermind.

I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.

A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.

*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this

Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything

I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much

it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something

[concert parking lot]

SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?

ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.

KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!

SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?

ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.

picture a potato but sexy

lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked

Average age of billionaires: 65

Average age of billionaires in books: 35

“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”

I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.

The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.

And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?

Drive thru cashier: