Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo not

do not @ me i wo not answer

Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose

I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.

Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake

“Oh, insomnia?”

No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?

Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.

[4:07 am]

I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.

Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8

Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset

Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.

When squirrels chase each other around a tree it reminds me of being at the mall in seventh grade.

[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

Amazon.

“Why’s it take 9 months?”

Shipping. Go to sleep.

it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times

Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?

Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.

For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:

“sry that wsnt for u”

My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.

wife: what’s the house of your dreams?

me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.

wife:

me:

wife:

me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.

Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that

Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.

[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought

I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days

her: i’m going to a concert

me: to see who

her: Bad English

me: sorry, to see whom

“can we play our computers on the plane?”

bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone

*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.

A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath

I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.

Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats

Interviewer: how did you write that song?

Singer: well, I had an epiphany…

Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?

{asks friend for help with a draft}

*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’

Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”

Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?

the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.