If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
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[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you