If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
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eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
im gay on my mothers side
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.