Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
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We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
Oh my god
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
who did the taste test?
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband