Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.

I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”

[First Date]

Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener

Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”

3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.

I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks

A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever

10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow

Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!

10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!

I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.

Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another

I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.

me: I’d wait a lifetime for you

also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there

Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”

I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago

Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”

Stan: “Hey there.”

Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.

Whiskey: Yes you can.

I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.

My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.

I just made the PERFECT phone call!

My parents didn’t answer.

Age 10: I want to be a baseball player

Age 20: I want to be a writer

Age 30: I want to be happy

Age 40: I want my toilet to flush

What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.

God I hate kids.

And people.

And animals.

And sardines.

And stuff that’s alive.

And stuff that’s dead.

I hate stuff.

I like cheese.

Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”

They will drive… super carefully.

I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex

And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double

Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood

Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number

You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.

ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.

I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.

My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.

> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend