If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
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God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.