Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.

Jesus: love your neighbor

Me: aw thanks, yours is also great

how do lawyers not cry when arguing

Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive

If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.

Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?

Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering

I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.

I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”

I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”

Can’t shop there again.

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.

I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!

Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.

When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall

Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.

Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*

Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.

Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.

I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!

“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]

In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic

ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits

WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.

Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?

Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years

good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich

What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.

I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.

Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?

I bought a metal detector.

Beach better have my money.

for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.

I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings

inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no