Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician

[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekend

ME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk

[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”

[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*

3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706

SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”

ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”

interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?

[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”

*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*

“Oh.”

Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”

In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.

So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …

If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.

don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t do something. show them you can’t.

Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.

I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.

Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.

receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.

[inventing baby carrots] kids hate vegetables but they LOVE choking

Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.

My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear

* deletes account

*reactivates

AND, ONE MORE THING…

Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos

Are the people in charge of naming the Valspar paints ok?

Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)

Me: Mmm, this tastes good.

Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!

The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.

We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.

Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.

[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please

whatever you do don’t give your heart away for christmas, this one dude never got his back and won’t shut up about it

I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.

I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.

Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?

Lawyer: