Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…

ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer

all the leaves are brown

and this guy is greg

Me: *walking in front of husband at store*

Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”

Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*

[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]

They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…

*walks up to guy in minivan*

“Sup?”

Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.

a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green

boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety

me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?

boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

Not a single soul on this Earth:

Not even their mom:

iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”

Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.

I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.

One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet

When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.

Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt

1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then

Me: shit

I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.

That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.

[100 degree summer day]

me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza

people who love camping: ok, hear me out

Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.

at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further

Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.

My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”

I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.

[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”

[job interview]

employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company

me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant

Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)

I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.

*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*

“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken

This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.

HER: Mmm you smell good.

ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.