Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have no passwords left in me

Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait

Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.

Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.

In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son

I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.

Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes

wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual

wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range

Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.

Me: Do I have to?

Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.

Me: *moonwalks to the car*

Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!

He: I asked about the perfect date.

pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family

[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog

starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country

At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.

[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years

the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing

me: sorry this place is such a mess

her: it’s my house

The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.

i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere

I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.

*bursts into starbucks*

Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET

Barista: yeah over there

Me: oh thank god

*plugs in a mechanical bull*

A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.

*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!

If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.

Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.

Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom

Snape: omg same

BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT

also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies

I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”

Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!