If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
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My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Why my dad got his bald friend contact saved as “Head” in his phone
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.