If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
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im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
95% percent of forest fires are caused by someone walking in corduroy pants.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
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who else up pondering the strange drawings on their door
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
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The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.