If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
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Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
I met with a well-dressed group today at work. They all wore a black and white suits and dresses. For some reason, I chose a bright yellow shirt & a chunky red necklace today. We took a picture and the effect was very casual Friday Ronald McDonald hanging with formal Hamburglers
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
one of the most classic red flags is when a guy says “you would look so adorable shrunken down and trapped inside one of my orbs.” it might sound like a compliment, but you mustn’t fall for it
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it