if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
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TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.
Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Its a hippotatomus
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Day 2 of my diet
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years