Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.

Which demographic buys the most barbies?

Australian fathers

Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.

“And I want video games and new shoes and….”

Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!

I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.

What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!

Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.

Me: I’m so sorry.

Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.

I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.

Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.

Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.

You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment

As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.

[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute

Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.

* 9 comes in from playing outside*

Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.

9: Ha, not messier than my room.

Me: What?

9: What?

A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her

British parking sign:

———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————

Bloody internet 😳

Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.

Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer

Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.

Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!

At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.

Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.

Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”

amazon: your order has been placed

me: great thanks

amazon: your order is being prepared

me: cool

amazon: your order is being put in the truck

me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step

amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt

My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them

Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.

When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”

I think this should do it.