if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
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[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
I can also cook 😂
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
[Out at a restaurant and police officers walk by our table]
Me: Hey kids, say hi to the police.
6yo: Are these the guys you told me yesterday to not tell that you went through a red light?
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.